


She Needed Him

by GallifreyGod



Category: The X-Files
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Mental Health Issues, No Plot/Plotless
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-14
Updated: 2018-10-14
Packaged: 2019-08-01 20:14:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16291022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GallifreyGod/pseuds/GallifreyGod
Summary: She had grown out of her depression for a while. By the time she was 22, she didn't have the need for the pills anymore. Those god damn empty orange pill bottles seemed to litter her floor in her teen years. She felt like she could've drowned in them.It got better.. then it got worse.





	She Needed Him

**Author's Note:**

> My first (published) X-files fic! I was feeling depressed tonight and my therapist told me to write when I'm depressed. So, here it is. 
> 
> Pardon any mistakes

It was getting bad again. The nights were probably the hardest, when it's completely silent and she's alone with her thoughts. But she isn't alone, _god_ she's not alone anymore. Mulder is there. He's there, silently sleeping when she's staring out the window while the red digits on her alarm clock illuninate 3:42 am. That makes it a little bit better; him being there. Just having a close and warm presence.

She knows she could wake him up and tell him that she's feeling depressed. He'd be awake before his last heartbeat becomes the next. But she doesn't want to bother him. She doesn't want to bother anybody about it.

She had grown out of her depression for a while. By the time she was 22, she didn't have the need for the pills anymore. Those god damn empty orange pill bottles seemed to litter her floor in her teen years. She felt like she could've drowned in them.

It got better.. then it got worse.

After the whole cancer scare and then William, it was no wonder that the depression came back. She should've expected it too. That was the thing about depression, you never expected it.

She had once heard a friend describe it perfectly _. 'It strikes when you aren't looking. You could be in the middle of a sentence, laughing with your friends and suddenly your knees buckle and your heart feels ripped out of your chest. It comes at it's own pleasure.'_ she has never heard something so true.

She wondered why depression had picked her. Expediency? Easy Target? Had she brought this on herself? No..no.. she knew that wasn't it. She knew, despite what the depression had convinced her, she wasn't at fault. Bad things just happen to good people.. that's all.

Those thoughts often made her question her choices. Would she have been better off just letting the cancer wreck her body? Would she still be feeling this pain if she had decided William would stay with her? Questions wrecked her mind so much now that it was almost as loud as the silence had become. Like a high pitched ringing in her ears. Her depressive thoughts became an awful lot like tinnitus, except there was no sound at all. Silence.

She became enveloped in her work much easier when she felt it coming on. The calm before the storm. The tsunami pulling the water out to the ocean. She tried to keep herself distracted, hoping she might be able to stop it before it crashes down over her. That never worked, and she was only let down by her naïvety once it hit.

The only difference now was that she had a warm body sleeping next to her now when she didn't have that before. Mulder was a good man. A solid man. He may be a little bit goofy, _spooky_ even. But he kept her grounded even when she felt like she could easily float away in the pain. He may be a little broken from his past traumas, but aren't we all?

He gave her a reason. Dana Scully was never ever one to admit she relied on someone other than herself, but this? This, she needed him for. Even if he had no clue how much he truly helped her, he was her everything. She needed him when she couldn't rely on herself anymore. When she couldn't rely on a single thought in her head, she needed him.

A decent part of her wanted to push him away during a time like this. She wanted to prove to herself that she could get through it alone. But she didn't... She didn't push him away. The last bit of her mind that felt rational anymore screamed at her to keep him close. She knew that at any moment she could come crashing down, and he would do anything he could to pick up her pieces. She needed him.

She hated that she needed him. She hated that she wouldn't be able to make it through this without him. She wanted to do this herself; release him from the burden of her mind. She wanted to kick and scream and push him as far out the door as possible simply because she was afraid of being dependent on someone.

She knew she wasn't a bad person for the way she tried to kill her sadness. She had been fighting to take the reigns back over her life. But she was suffering in silence.

Maybe Mulder knew. She hadn't mentioned it to him. She had to admit, when he wasn't nose deep in an X-File, he could be pretty observant. Maybe he noticed... It wouldn't matter if he did. She absolutely didn't want him worrying about her more than he already did. Maybe that's the part of her that can handle this herself. Maybe she just needs him close so she can muster a little bit more strength to carry on. She needed him.

"You're thinking too loudly." Mulder mumbled, half asleep. It startled her from her thoughts, but somehow it was quelling to hear his voice. He was right, her thoughts may have well been spoken over a megaphone.

"Hold me," Scully whispered, scooting closer under the covers to fit between his body and his arms. He was warm. He was healing.

She needed him.


End file.
